The Doctor in all her Glory

I had a meeting today at my kid's school with the founder, Dr. Glory Ludwick, MD. She's a psychiatrist who I find fascinating. I think some would find her frustrating, old and cryptic. I think she's brilliant, subtle and intuitive.

Two other teachers were supposed to join us but true to the laid-back nature of the school, the meeting hadn't really been organized. It was just the two of us. I'm flexible. I go with the flow.

Basically, while I agree that Max definitely has his part to play, Dr. Saudi's class is the only real problem he has. All other teachers are happy with his performance and classroom demeanor. Dr. Saudi is the only teacher that has said outright that Max is not a student he wants to teach. Try saying that as a teacher in public school. Of course he doesn't want to teach Max. He came from teaching in Saudi Arabia. There's a whole different culture there and I believe a different way of showing respect to teachers - even if you are in junior high school. Not that Max isn't respectful. It's just that Dr. Saudi takes it personally when Max doesn't do homework and considers it disrespectful.

Dr. Ludwick knows that Max enters a teachers classroom and basically throws down a gauntlet. Every teacher in her school has picked it up happily except for Dr. Saudi.

What do we do now? Four more years?

About one hour into our session I realize where it's going. I use the word session intentionally. It is a session and lively discussion with the good Dr. processing information the entire time. It took me an HOUR to realize that we will not actively be doing anything. It's a good thing I'm a Taoist. I've known a lot of parents in my time and most yuppies want to DO.

Frankly, she's like a sprite.

sprite n : small, human in form, playful, having magical powers

This is a game to her. Using her vast experience she knows and trusts it will all work out well. Dr. Saudi and Max will even be better people because of it. She's seen Dr. Saudi change his mind about a student and even learn something in the process. She wants to watch and more importantly she doesn't want to rob them of this opportunity.

The funny part is that she never said any of that. An hour in I said it. "So are you intending to let the two of them just work it out?"

She looked at me, kinda smiled and said, "Yeah."

It's a good thing I speak sprite. Must be the roleplaying.

She taught me even more today. Even though she never learned Carl Rogers in her studies, she came across his work. We talked about speaking to the underlying feelings. I know that what she told me will help immeasurably in my communication with everyone, including Max. Later, I looked up Carl Rogers and found that she was talking about the technique called reflection.

She also spoke about how good therapists need...she hesitated and then finished with "love". She sees too many therapists who are overly critical of their patients. Rogers felt that a therapist, in order to be effective, must have three very special qualities:

1. Congruence -- genuineness, honesty with the client.
2. Empathy -- the ability to feel what the client feels.
3. Respect -- acceptance, unconditional positive regard towards the client.

I'm pretty sure Rogers would have liked her too.

Duh! (or Small Changes with Big Rewards)

Nothing is easy to the unwilling. - Nikki Giovanni

I think we've all heard about this concept. God knows I've thought about it off and on over the years but it wasn't until recently that I went looking for real life examples. Usually, when I am focused on a particular task, I recognize things that need tweaking or overhauling. But what about all those little snippets of life that don't constitute full-fledged projects? I don't seem to ever focus on those.

How many times does the bedroom door have to hit me in the ass before I realize that maybe the laundry hamper could be moved to a less bruise-inflicting location than behind the door?

Sometimes small changes do have huge rewards. These changes are quite simple too, in my sometimes self-complicated life. Take for instance salt. "How complicated can that be?", you're saying. Well, it wasn't until the third time that I tried to figure out a way to make Fleur De Sel de Camargue or Maldon Sea Salt work in a recipe where plain old table salt would have been perfect that I finally picked up some Morton's at the store. I'm at the store all the time. It costs what, a dollar? Why didn't I have table salt?

This may seem quite basic and maybe I'm alone in this although I don't think so. I think we all have our own personal things that we can't see or are not yet ready to see.

How many times do the contents on the top shelf of my pantry have to fall to the floor before I'll straighten it? How long do I struggle with a pen on it's last legs before I'll replace it with a new one that frankly is a joy to write with? How many nights will go by with me unprepared to place food on the table before I'll pick two or three recipes to always have on hand?

Here's the one I thought was funniest. Besides the salt that is. I had gone to the grocery store a day previous and had been in a hurry. I put all the perishables away of course, but left the bananas in the produce bag on the counter. Morning comes and I'm running out the door to work. Hungry, I glance at the kitchen. Nothing to eat says I ... the bananas are too hard. Yes folks, it's much too hard for me to take the bananas out of the bag, place them on the fruit plate and grab one for breakfast. I stopped myself of course. Took the time to laugh and grab a banana. However in the future I plan on making sure the fruit makes it to the plate.

It's tempting to take the concept further. It's tempting to reach up just one more notch and throw out words like "proactive" and "preventative". After all, this comes down to choice and values. What do I think is important? Am I worth the time it takes to grab a banana, move the laundry or replace a pen? Absolutely. What about getting enough sleep, maintaining a clean car or eating right? Not so quick and easy anymore as replacing a pen. For now, I'll celebrate the large return on the small changes.

What I got at the store

The other day Mendy and I were making dinner together for our families. She lives across the street from my favorite Stater Bros. grocery store so when I realized that we needed a couple cans of refried beans to go with our meal I didn't mind walking over there. I was in line getting ready to pay when I heard something going on at the register next to mine. A caregiver and a young woman with Down Syndrome were moving through the line. They had a coupon or something that they were exchanging for some item. The young woman was so happy. She gave the checker great big smiles and just emanated joy. I could tell by what the checker said that there was some change due and I could also tell when he casually decided not to push the issue or confuse the girl. He thanked her, wished her well and waved goodbye - and paid for it himself.

I turned around to see who the checker was and I realized that it was the same guy who helped me last week. I was the one who didn't see the "15 items or less" sign above the register so when the woman checking at that register told me I couldn't be in that line I completely understood and started looking for the next line. Mr. nice guy was doing some paperwork at the register next to the 15 item one. When he heard her turn me away it was almost like he had heard something negative and had to find a way to respond positively. I barely started walking away when he called out to me, "Oh no, come over here. I'll open up and help you." There were other registers open and none had long lines. I felt a little silly but he looked happy to do so. I felt that a kindness had been extended to me.

Dr. Wayne Dyer states that one act of kindness raises the serotonin levels of the person receiving the kindness, the person giving the kindness as well as anyone observing the kindness. It improves our immune systems. It's like receiving an anti-depressant without the side effects. More benefits are here.

As I followed the happy young woman out of the store I thought that *that* is what I want in a man. A man who is that caring and kind would be who I want to spend my life with. And it hit me almost immediately as the gratitude washed over me, that I in fact already have that guy. My very own Mr. Nice Guy. I love you so much.

Try This At Home

This morning, like every other I get my morning phone call from my friend and co-worker Peter except this morning took a delicious turn and really kick-started my day (and my happy).

Me: "This is Melanie."
Him: "Are you ready?"
Me: (knowing he means to walk to coffee) "Sure!"
Him: "Hey uh, you wanna go to lunch today?"
Me: "Sure!"
Him: "Hof's Hut?"
Me: "Sure!"
Him: "Wanna buy me something off my wish list?"
Me: "Nope! Well, if you buy me something off mine."
Him: "You first."
Me: "Hey, seriously though, this could be cool."
Him: "Yeah, ok send me your link and I'll send you mine and let's keep it under $15."

So now we're getting surprises in our mailboxes PLUS I had so much fun picking out my surprise for him.

Everybody should have a wishlist buddy!

On Happiness and the Reactionary World

Why do some people get mad because I am happy? Or treat my happiness with their brand of cynicism?

Why do some people think that happiness is impossible?

Obviously these thoughts are on my mind.

Why cynicism? What, for that matter is cynicism?

Like Socrates, the Cynics of Greece believed that virtue was the greatest good but they took it a step further. They'd hang out in the streets like a pack of dogs ("Cynic" comes from the Greek word for dog), watch the passing crowd and ridicule anyone who seemed pompous, pretentious, materialistic or downright wicked. Fiercely proud of their independence, they led disciplined and virtuous lives. The most famous of the ancient Cynics was Diogenes, who reportedly took up residence in a tub to demonstrate his freedom from material wants. Even Alexander the Great didn't escape unscathed. When the young conqueror found Diogenes sitting in the marketplace and asked how he could help him, the old philosopher replied that "you can step out of my sunlight."

From Wikipedia:

"Nowadays the word generally describes, somewhat pejoratively, the opinions of those inclined to disbelieve in human sincerity, in virtue, or in altruism: individuals who maintain that only self-interest motivates human behavior. A modern cynic typically has a highly contemptuous attitude towards social norms, especially those which serve more of a ritualistic purpose than a practical one, and will tend to dismiss a substantial proportion of popular beliefs, conventional morality and accepted wisdom as irrelevant or obsolete nonsense."

It is interesting to me how different the two views of cynicism are and I wouldn't be the first person to compare old cynicism to Buddhism. Both believe in letting go of desire and that when a person practices non-attachment their sense of wellbeing and happiness is no longer tied to their sense of accomplishing their desires and instead, it exists independently.

I do believe that people act in their own self-interest. I'm fine with that. This may seem cynical of me but the other parts of today's "cynical" just seem like bitterness to me and like Diogenes I say, "...step out of my sunlight(!)"

What makes people want to make up negative stories about other people and spread them? As an example, people actually spread a rumor about John Denver, known to the world as a gentle, nature-loving pop singer, being a sniper in the Vietnam War.

From Snopes.com:

"As was Fred Rogers of television's Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. He too was rumored to have been a sniper, with even his penchant for long-sleeved cardigans ascribed to his hiding tattoos from the eyes of curious little tykes. Like Denver, Rogers never served in any branch of the military. He is an ordained minister in the United Presbyterian Church."

I don't know why people would choose to do that. I don't know why people would choose to be cynical (read: bitter) with regard to other people's happiness or character. I'm not saying that being careful before placing trust is bad. Or that disputing something based on facts doesn't have it's place. What I am saying is that ridiculing something out of hand, without fact (and this is hard to come by when we're talking subjectively (feelings or opinions)) is not something I understand.

But I don't need to understand.

"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves". - James M. Barrie

I find it funny that HH the Dali Lama has said as much but J.M. Barrie says it much more poetically.

It's even more wonderful to imagine that Johnny Depp is saying it.

Today

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Harold Whitman

I am grateful:

• Because last night couldn't have been more perfect. Nothing got sidetracked and people were happy!


• That I got to make a yummy stir-fry and serve it over brown rice and that people still ate it even though it's healthy.


• Because Jenna wanted to join us for an evening walk.


• That she lives near a magical lake lit up with twinkling lights that were reminescent of a small European lakeside village. In the dark at least.


• That she wants to walk again.


• That the tech here at work took my "broken" old computer and fixed it so I could identify the tons of documents I wanted to move to my new computer. And then he handled it.


• That I have gone full-calorie-soda-free for over 24 hours now and don't miss it.


• Because I listened to the sage advice provided by The Happy Danny Cult and woke up 15 minutes earlier. So worth it.


• That I found this calendar and put it below. Just in case you wanted to join me. Or find me. It's interactive.

A little scary...

In a college philosophy class I once took, the final was to create Culture III and write about it. I think culture is the right name for it. The theory is that we're in Culture II now (corresponding to Modern and Contemporary Philosophy) and have been since 1600 C.E.. Culture I was all that came before.

I got the only "A" he gave on that final.

The way I wanted to create a new culture was through education first. I don't remember everything I wrote, but I do know that education was my main tenet. It seems obvious to me that if education is our prime focus then all aspects of our lives and culture would benefit. And by education I do not mean what we have today. I suggested classes in philosophy at an early age as well as classes on psychology. People need to learn how to think and they also should probably get to know themselves. I think a lot of people today know some book learnin', but I'd love to see what could happen in my ideal. It would be de rigueur to question and seek out meaningful answers. It would be perfectly acceptable and *gasp* possibly encouraged to think for yourself and follow your heart. You know...the heart you're aware of now that you spent some time with it.

Stories like this one scare me a bit. They're hitting it when these kids are young but instead of teaching them HOW to think, they teach WHAT to think.

My nephew lives in a state entertaining one of these laws. At least there they will be presenting the religious view alongside the scientific and not eliminating it entirely.

Someone suggested that maybe they'd just been drinking too much now that they've finally decided to allow the purchase of alcohol on Sundays. Except when it falls on Christmas or Easter. Of course.

Split personality

At the beginning of this past weekend I was thoughtfully trying to determine what my activities would be. I like to get an idea of where I want to go and so I can be mindful of the goal however I'm very flexible. If something comes up, then so be it. At least I'm aware of where I spend my time.

I came to the conclusion that I need four day weekends. All the time. It's the only way I can dedicate:

* 1 day to friends

* 1 day to family

* 1 day to me

* 1 day for housework and errands

Since that just seems silly, I figured the "Four Quadrants" approach might work best within my 2 day schedule. And this may work. It's a good template anyway.

But what about daily? Can I really segment myself enough so that I've dedicated quality time in each of these areas and still work a 9 hour day? I hate feeling like I "got by". I want to feel accomplished and like I've moved forward instead of the constant treading of water.

I am seriously feeling a lack as far as time goes. I feel pretty abundant in most things. I'd like to change my frame of mind with respect to time.

This is how sick it is. Last night Kevin and I are playing Settlers of Catan together. The kitchen's a mess and I need to wake up early to start my new work schedule and ... I could name off about 50 billion other things I could do. However, spending time with loved ones has always come before any chore on my list. So I tell him that I wish I was sleepless like the characters in the book "Beggars in Spain" but that I was the only one. He'd have to sleep. This way I could play with him and the kids all day during their waking hours and then after I've put them to bed I could go do all my other stuff. I told him I'd crawl back into bed just before it was time for him to wake up so we could cuddle.

And then I realized that I'm the only one in the family that needs to be sleepless in order to get stuff done. No one has a list like I do.

The good news is that many issues will be resolved upon moving. The bad news is just like any other business project I've worked on the everyday "Maintenance of Business" (MOB) issues dominate the day. Has anyone ever tried to implement a new IS project within a working business arena? Most are much too busy to meet or test. The ironic thing is the time they will save by having the new project implemented.

That's me. Dishes, laundry, homework...MOB. And like the good project manager I am, I'll figure out a way to get it all done.